Slimy Vegetables


Slimy vegetables make me feel like a failure. I know I sound like a stupid cow, but seriously. Every time I see a goopy onion, wrinkled carrot or black potato in my fridge, it's like a slap in the face. It makes me ashamed to say I'm a vegetarian, much less claim that I cook my own food. I just"? never seem to eat all my vegetables before they go bad.

This, my friends, makes me angry. First, rotten vegetables stink. Whether they’re inside your fridge, garbage, or compost, the slightest whiff is bound to cause fainting, dry-heaving, vomiting or all of the above. Secondly, I hate to be wasteful. I already feel guilty for living in America, living in a fuel-based economy and participating in capitalism. The last thing I need is a rotten eggplant on my conscious.


Finally, I hate to waste money. I'm lucky I can afford to buy expensive organic produce (I cut corners elsewhere), so why do I essentially throw my money away? I mean, it's not like the economy or job market will help me out once I've thrown out all my spoiled food. So what you ask, or don't ask, is the cultrate? Two things.

I don't finish my vegetables because a: processed food like salsa and tortilla chips lurk about my cupboards and b: hiding food in the so-called "vegetable door"? of my fridge makes me forget that I have it. Case solved. I'll burn my cupboards and tear apart my fridge. If only the president-elects' stimulus proposal for the economy could work this easily.